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    Try Not To Laugh

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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by Lucid Memes on Wed Apr 15, 2009 1:37 pm

    missingyoumadly wrote:

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    LMAO

    i didn't laugh until i realized what was happening there

    talk about perfect timing


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    Ultimate Douchebag

    Post by NoDoz on Wed Apr 15, 2009 2:13 pm

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    Last edited by NoDoz on Wed Apr 15, 2009 2:25 pm; edited 2 times in total

    missingyoumadly
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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by missingyoumadly on Wed Apr 15, 2009 2:15 pm

    NoDoz wrote:[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

    Oh god thanks for the nightmares affraid

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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by Lucid Memes on Wed Apr 15, 2009 5:08 pm

    NoDoz wrote:[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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    these are examples of how evil villains are created...


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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by missingyoumadly on Thu Apr 16, 2009 12:18 pm

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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by NoDoz on Thu Apr 16, 2009 2:17 pm

    My life sucks but I don't give a f***

    Today, I finally hooked up with a guy I've been hanging out with for 2 months. Afterwards, while we're getting dressed he says "You better be clean. If you're not tell me now so I dont pass it on to my girlfriend." Stunned, all I could say was, "Girlfriend?!" His reply, "Well technically my fiance." FML

    Today, my mom scooped the litter box right before I went to work. I brown bagged my lunch this morning. She brown bagged the poop from the litter box. Both were on the counter. Guess which one I brought to work?

    Today, I took the bus home. A bum sat next to me. Reeking with alcohol and sweat, he pulls out a pair of nail clippers and proceeds to clip his grimy finger nails. With every clip, the nails would fly up and hit me. As I was about to ask him to stop, a nail flies into my mouth. I swallowed it.

    Today, my mom asked if she could use my red dress for her two-week trip to the Caribbean. I said no, because I was going to a party and I wanted to wear it. She called me a selfish, greedy bitch who would stay single forever. I paid for her plane ticket, her hotel fees and her cruise ship fee.

    Today, I was walking down the street and I saw my brother on the other side of the road. He lives overseas and always told me he would visit when I least expected it. When I saw him, I got so excited I jumped on his back, screaming his name. It wasn't my brother.

    Today, I went for a jog. I had stopped at an intersection to let a car go by. The car stopped and the driver waved me on, so I started jogging again. After a few steps, I feel a sharp pain in my side, then wake up in the hospital. The driver 'accidentally' hit the gas.

    Today, I saw an commercial for some sort of meaty beef dish. The camera zoomed in on the dish and my mouth watered because it looked so delicious. Then flashed the next scene: golden retrievers running through a field and eating from their bowl. My mouth just watered for a dog food commerical.


    Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had payed the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost.

    Today, I was struggling through an exam and the hot girl next to me seemed to be flying through the questions. So I cheated off her. When we finished I asked her to lunch. She said "No, I just rushed through the exam so I can go fuck my boyfriend." I got shutdown and probably failed an exam.


    Today, I was wearing a new 500 dollar dress on a crowded train. I looked great and I could feel the eyes on me. A cute guy then offered me his seat, only boosting my confidence more until he said "for you and the baby," pointing at a bump in my dress. I'm not pregnant and wasted 500 dollars.



    Today, I was stage managing a school show. Some kids were goofing off backstage, so I yelled at them that they could hurt themselves. While walking back to my chair, I tripped over my own feet and fell 5 feet off the stage. I shattered my cheekbone telling kids they would hurt themselves.

    Today, I woke up on my mom's couch with a wicked hangover. I made a mad dash for the toilet but felt the wave coming after two steps. I grabbed a bag of trash next to the front door and showed it no mercy. After I'd recovered and cleaned up, Mom asked if I'd seen the bag with her tax materials. FML

    Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes.

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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by Lucid Memes on Thu Apr 16, 2009 3:22 pm

    oh man...that stuff is funny as hell NoDoz Laughing

    there are tons more on that site too. woot!


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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by missingyoumadly on Thu Apr 16, 2009 9:03 pm

    That site sucked away my entire evening. LOL. This is my favorite so far:

    Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML

    NoDoz wrote:My life sucks but I don't give a f***

    Today, I finally hooked up with a guy I've been hanging out with for 2 months. Afterwards, while we're getting dressed he says "You better be clean. If you're not tell me now so I dont pass it on to my girlfriend." Stunned, all I could say was, "Girlfriend?!" His reply, "Well technically my fiance." FML

    Today, my mom scooped the litter box right before I went to work. I brown bagged my lunch this morning. She brown bagged the poop from the litter box. Both were on the counter. Guess which one I brought to work?

    Today, I took the bus home. A bum sat next to me. Reeking with alcohol and sweat, he pulls out a pair of nail clippers and proceeds to clip his grimy finger nails. With every clip, the nails would fly up and hit me. As I was about to ask him to stop, a nail flies into my mouth. I swallowed it.

    Today, my mom asked if she could use my red dress for her two-week trip to the Caribbean. I said no, because I was going to a party and I wanted to wear it. She called me a selfish, greedy bitch who would stay single forever. I paid for her plane ticket, her hotel fees and her cruise ship fee.

    Today, I was walking down the street and I saw my brother on the other side of the road. He lives overseas and always told me he would visit when I least expected it. When I saw him, I got so excited I jumped on his back, screaming his name. It wasn't my brother.

    Today, I went for a jog. I had stopped at an intersection to let a car go by. The car stopped and the driver waved me on, so I started jogging again. After a few steps, I feel a sharp pain in my side, then wake up in the hospital. The driver 'accidentally' hit the gas.

    Today, I saw an commercial for some sort of meaty beef dish. The camera zoomed in on the dish and my mouth watered because it looked so delicious. Then flashed the next scene: golden retrievers running through a field and eating from their bowl. My mouth just watered for a dog food commerical.


    Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had payed the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost.

    Today, I was struggling through an exam and the hot girl next to me seemed to be flying through the questions. So I cheated off her. When we finished I asked her to lunch. She said "No, I just rushed through the exam so I can go fuck my boyfriend." I got shutdown and probably failed an exam.


    Today, I was wearing a new 500 dollar dress on a crowded train. I looked great and I could feel the eyes on me. A cute guy then offered me his seat, only boosting my confidence more until he said "for you and the baby," pointing at a bump in my dress. I'm not pregnant and wasted 500 dollars.



    Today, I was stage managing a school show. Some kids were goofing off backstage, so I yelled at them that they could hurt themselves. While walking back to my chair, I tripped over my own feet and fell 5 feet off the stage. I shattered my cheekbone telling kids they would hurt themselves.

    Today, I woke up on my mom's couch with a wicked hangover. I made a mad dash for the toilet but felt the wave coming after two steps. I grabbed a bag of trash next to the front door and showed it no mercy. After I'd recovered and cleaned up, Mom asked if I'd seen the bag with her tax materials. FML

    Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes.

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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by Lucid Memes on Fri Apr 17, 2009 11:37 am

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    i was laughing so hard at this, i started to cry


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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by NoDoz on Fri Apr 17, 2009 1:02 pm

    Preston wrote:[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

    i was laughing so hard at this, i started to cry

    "get your fucking head back, you piece of shit" JAJAJAJAJAJA...OUCh

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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by NoDoz on Fri Apr 17, 2009 7:12 pm

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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by splinters on Sat Apr 18, 2009 3:08 pm

    ok here goes

    A dyslexis man walks into a bra.

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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by missingyoumadly on Mon Apr 20, 2009 9:17 am

    I know this guy has some fans here...thought you might want to know about his tragic fate. Apparently he CAN use his whole hand. Sad

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    ShamWow Guy In Slap, Chop Bust
    TV pitchman battered hooker in South Beach hotel room brawl

    MARCH 27--Meet Vince Shlomi. He's probably better known to you as the ShamWow Guy, the ubiquitous television pitchman who has been phenomenally successful peddling absorbent towels and food choppers. Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room. According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she "propositioned him for straight sex." Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go." Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue. The affidavit, a copy of which you'll find here, notes that during the 4 AM fight Harris sustained facial fractures and lacerations all over her face (she is pictured here in mug shots snapped following busts in 2008 and 2005). After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the Setai lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse. "Both parties had a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from their persons," police reported. In a brief telephone interview, Harris declined to answer TSG questions about her run-in with Shlomi, though she did say she is considering a lawsuit against the pitchman. Asked if she worked as a hooker, Harris declined comment. As seen in the below mug shot, Shlomi was also injured during the fracas and, court records show, was treated at Mount Sinai Medical Center. While Shlomi and Harris were both arrested for felony aggravated battery, prosecutors this month declined to file formal charges against the combatants. Police records list Shlomi's occupation as "Marketing," but make no mention of his affiliation with the ShamWow or the Slap Chop, both of which sell for $19.95 (plus shipping and handling).

    I can't believe that even in the midst of being arrested for beating up a hooker, the dude STILL got a plug for his products. Way to go Shlomi. LOL.

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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by Lucid Memes on Mon Apr 20, 2009 10:52 pm

    Preston wrote:i had to do it

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    missingyoumadly wrote:I know this guy has some fans here...thought you might want to know about his tragic fate. Apparently he CAN use his whole hand. Sad

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    ShamWow Guy In Slap, Chop Bust
    TV pitchman battered hooker in South Beach hotel room brawl

    MARCH 27--Meet Vince Shlomi. He's probably better known to you as the ShamWow Guy, the ubiquitous television pitchman who has been phenomenally successful peddling absorbent towels and food choppers. Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room. According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she "propositioned him for straight sex." Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go." Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue. The affidavit, a copy of which you'll find here, notes that during the 4 AM fight Harris sustained facial fractures and lacerations all over her face (she is pictured here in mug shots snapped following busts in 2008 and 2005). After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the Setai lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse. "Both parties had a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from their persons," police reported. In a brief telephone interview, Harris declined to answer TSG questions about her run-in with Shlomi, though she did say she is considering a lawsuit against the pitchman. Asked if she worked as a hooker, Harris declined comment. As seen in the below mug shot, Shlomi was also injured during the fracas and, court records show, was treated at Mount Sinai Medical Center. While Shlomi and Harris were both arrested for felony aggravated battery, prosecutors this month declined to file formal charges against the combatants. Police records list Shlomi's occupation as "Marketing," but make no mention of his affiliation with the ShamWow or the Slap Chop, both of which sell for $19.95 (plus shipping and handling).

    I can't believe that even in the midst of being arrested for beating up a hooker, the dude STILL got a plug for his products. Way to go Shlomi. LOL.

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    hahahahahahahhahhahahahahahhahahahahahahhahhahahahahahhahahahahahahhahhahahahahahhahahahahahahhahhahahahahahhahahahahahahhahhahahahahahhahahahahahahhahhahahahahahhahahahahahahhahhahahahahahhahahahahahahhahhahahahahahhahahahahahahhahhahahahahahhahahahahahahhahhahahahahahhahahahahahahhahhahahahahahhahahahahahahhahhahahahahah


    if he ever gets locked up for long, "free vince" t-shirts would sell like hotcakes


    Last edited by Preston on Mon Apr 20, 2009 10:55 pm; edited 1 time in total


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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by missingyoumadly on Mon Apr 20, 2009 10:54 pm

    Look at that pimp coat he is wearing over his hospital johnny...did they put him in a cell with that gown on? omg

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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by Lucid Memes on Mon Apr 20, 2009 10:56 pm

    omg, i had not even noticed that when i first saw the pic, now it's even funnier!! Laughing


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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by NoDoz on Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:10 pm

    Oh shit!! that makes it 10000 times funnier...WTF What a Face

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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by Lucid Memes on Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:13 pm

    who would've thought?

    ...Vince from slapchop has a weak pimphand

    a less than average pimp would only need or 2 or 3 slaps...it took vince several punches!?


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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by missingyoumadly on Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:14 pm

    Preston wrote:who would've thought?

    ...Vince from slapchop has a weak pimphand

    a less than average pimp would only need or 2 or 3 slaps...it took vince several punches!?

    That's only because he forgot his PIMPSLAP 2000.

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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by NoDoz on Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:16 pm

    Preston wrote:who would've thought?

    ...Vince from slapchop has a weak pimphand

    a less than average pimp would only need or 2 or 3 slaps...it took vince several punches!?



    First of all, what the hell is he doing kissing a hooker, let alone letting her draw blood? AIDS TEST!!!!!! affraid affraid

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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by Lucid Memes on Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:27 pm

    Yeah that's right. He wasn't trained properly by the infomercial pimps

    Billy Mays, Jack Lelain, George Foreman would've never have let such a thing get so out of hand

    Vince has been doing too much of that 1 finger slapchop technique...not good enough


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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by missingyoumadly on Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:31 pm

    Is it sad that we are so aware of the infomercial guys names and ability to kick hooker ass? I don't even watch tv, wtf, how do i know this shit? But i totally do.

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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by Lucid Memes on Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:38 pm

    that's because infomercials have mind control technology down to the T

    you don't even have to watch TV to know those products are fucking awesome (even when they're really not...cause that's how good their programming is Sad )

    i used to find myself up late at night...endlessly flipping through channels, only to stop on infomercials and stare at the tv screen in a mindless gaze...wtf!


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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by NoDoz on Tue Apr 21, 2009 12:02 am

    This should wake you up Preston


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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

    Post by Lucid Memes on Tue Apr 21, 2009 6:50 pm

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    Re: Try Not To Laugh

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